5 ways to build a relationship as a couple

You live together, you love each other and you want it to last forever. But is it possible to keep the relationship as vibrant as it was in the first days of acquaintance?

It happens with everyone, but we will not have it: after all, no one has ever loved anyone as much as we love each other! However, a month, a year, or two passes, and the stormy feelings, tenderness, and passion are replaced by sluggish quarrels and constant irritation. Thoughts that love is gone, do not give rest, and it seems that in front of both waiting for just a series of gloomy, dreary years.

Alas, no one can guarantee eternal love. The feeling that you have met someone infinitely valuable to you, next to whom you have found your true self, comes from the very depths of our personality. This feeling cannot be "constructed," it is not subject to the will.

But our greatest misconception is to think that partnerships end when love leaves. In fact, men and women break up because they lose something else: a sense of respect for one another.

The transition from all-consuming intimacy to mutual respect is a difficult period in a couple's life. A sense of respect implies distance and is perceived as something opposite to love. Hence frustrations and doubts: should we continue to be together?

There are several ways to help overcome them and start a new life - with the same person.

1. TELL EACH OTHER WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

The best times for Olga are those moments when she and Andrei are at home, just the two of them, and he tells her how his day went. And she hates it when her husband "gets stuck" on the computer, does not hear her invitations to the table, and comes to dinner when all is cold.

Andrew, however, most of all loves to travel with his wife, to be on a visit and at exhibitions - he generally loves to be with her. But the question "And where have you been today?" it incredibly annoying - the story of his affairs, he prefers to start himself.

For six years of their life together, Olga and Andrew have never talked about what they like and what irritates them in their relationship. However, many married couples do not discuss such plots: everyone assures himself that his partner will guess everything himself. But this, of course, does not happen. As a result, one suffers in silence, while the other, thinking that everything is fine, continue to behave as usual.

Men are wary of talking about relationships, and women attach too much importance to them Start talking about the best and worst of your relationship before "I don't like it" turns into "I hate it."

There is less anger and pain in "don't like" - just a little irritation and bewilderment, and they are easier to control. In this case, the conversation will be calm and your words will be heard. You'll leave room for answers to questions, and you'll save space for the others. 

Men are wary of talking about relationships, and women attach too much importance to them.

About what worries, sometimes easier to write: take a piece of paper and list the best and worst in your relationship, exchange sheets with your partner and discuss what is written.

Such a simple technique will allow you to get to know each other better, establish their share of responsibility for the "worst" and understand what to do to make the "best" was more.

It is also worth checking the vocabulary of the spouses: it happens that the same, seemingly obvious words to the partners mean different things.

He, for example, the word "believe" understands as follows: his girlfriend believes him, and therefore forgives him if he committed any wrongdoing. And she is convinced that if she believes him, he will never commit such an act.

Talking to each other, the partners may learn many unexpected things. For example, what both seemed so great at the beginning of the relationship, now one of the two is not at all inspiring.

"We used to spend all the weekends in a big company, and it was fun! - Elena recalls. - But I have long wanted to be alone with Oleg, and he still invites his friends to every holiday. And on weekends we always have guests. "Rita constantly wants to be with me, does not leave me for a minute - complains Peter. - I used to even like it, but now I feel that I do not have enough space, and I almost hide from her, sitting in front of the computer.

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2. DEFINE THE RULES, AND FIND COMMON GOALS.

Many couples live as if by inertia, not thinking about why they do it and what to expect from life together. But the lack of common goals can destroy relationships faster than constant conflict. 

Vera began to live with Oleg, dreaming of a large family, and cozy home and was surprised when he confessed to her that he was most attracted to life together with regular sex.

However, if feelings are really strong, you will be able to agree and find a middle ground. It will be your joint strategic planning, the basis of which is respect for each other. Distance helps you to treat the relationship with care, not putting it to the test of strength. For example, for the sake of her husband's career, his wife will agree to wait with the first child, and he, respecting her dream, will think about how to provide the family with a more spacious home - with a nursery.

Rules and rituals play an important role in the life of the couple.

They don't need to be specially invented. They already exist in your life: someone takes the bathroom first, someone always buys bread or pays for the parking lot. But it often turns out that one of the partners established distribution of roles is convenient, and the other is irritated and uncomfortable. Conclusion: the rules and rituals also need to agree.

In order not to accidentally hurt each other's feelings, partners need to answer some important questions. Will we always be faithful to each other, or are variations possible? What happens if one of us breaks the established rules? The answers must be clear, otherwise, the emotional residue will begin to accumulate in the silence.

Metamorphoses of love

According to American psychologists Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, relationships in any couple go through six successive stages.

1. Merge. The two feel like a single whole, not paying attention to differences. If they go to a restaurant, someone is bound to say, "I'll take the same as you."

2. Differentiation. Partners emphasize their interests, as if testing the relationship for strength. It is at this moment that the difference in beliefs and interests is revealed: “How can you like such disgusting things?”

3. Research. Partners explore their ability to "be apart": take vacations apart, see their friends more often... and (sometimes) cheat on each other.

4. Rapprochement. The two already know why they are together, develop a joint way of life, set certain goals for themselves.

6. Synergy. It turns out a real team. A joint business, children, friends ... Good for two - good for those who are next to them!

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3. MAINTAIN INDIVIDUALITY

Let's do a little test. How do you see your relationship today? Try to picture yourself and your partner as two intersecting circles. Is the area of the intersection large? With another drawing, illustrate the answer to the question, "What kind of relationship would you like?"

In the second case, most women draw circles that almost (and sometimes completely) overlap: many lack care and attention. Partners are always surprised when they see the psychologist's "reference" drawing of two circles that intersect only by a quarter: the scheme of a long relationship looks like this.

After living together for some time, lovers may find that they have so "adjusted" to each other that their personalities have changed drastically. The desire to fit in with the person they love, to make them feel good, and to please them often leads a man or woman to lose their own individuality.

Often the so-called "crisis of the third year of the relationship" is an attempt to return to yourself, your habits, and your values. Many have a desire to change jobs or to start studying.

Sometimes the partner does not understand the reasons for what is happening, and feelings cool down. This is another reason for a calm, in-depth conversation: after all, it was his personality that you once attracted each other. There is no need to lose yourself in order to save the relationship.

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4. DON'T COLLECT ANGER.

We often hold back anger, irritation, and rage for fear that they will ruin a relationship. But it's better to have a good fight than to cultivate vindictiveness and guilt. Strong emotions don't mean that two people don't love each other anymore-they just communicate the problem that has arisen.

Anger is good because it helps us to call things by their proper names. It is like a thunderstorm that clears the air. Letting go of your anger, figure out what exactly caused it. And try to talk about it without getting to the person of your partner.

If you yourself are the cause of anger, be patient and listen to accusations the way you listen to constructive criticism: Agree with some things and disagree with others. A person who is angry and rebuked is well served by paying attention to the topic of the conversation: "I take your feelings seriously, and I want to listen to you. Let's try to talk calmly.

A truly deep relationship arises between people who do not depend on each other either financially or emotionally.

But if the recriminations are fair, you have to make up for the spoiled mood. Igor was going to spend a quiet weekend with his wife, but suddenly it turned out that she had invited her friends and children to visit. When everyone left, he irritatedly and loudly expressed his grievances.

His wife was surprised, but promised not to invite guests in the future without consulting him, and "as a consolation" she baked Igor's favorite pie. When the pie dish was on the table, her husband had already forgotten that he had not been able to rest on Sunday.

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5. LEARN TO THANK EACH OTHER

Many couples live in expectation of something more and don't appreciate what happens every day. It would seem that what is easier - to thank in return for the shown participation, help or received gift. However, this simple skill, and the very willingness to thank somewhere disappear when a couple lives together for a long time.

Either we simply cannot open our mouths and say: "Thank you!", or the words turn into a kind of formal muttering or verbose texts, in which the more words, the less of ourselves.

The unobtrusive etymology of the word "thank you" (from the original "thank God!") seems to hint that it is not a simple rule of politeness, but something much more important, more fundamental. This feeling is called gratitude for life. Without it, the warmest words sound insincere and formal. 

Thank each other for specific things-a gift, a walk, a caring gesture. If our partner guessed our deepest wish, did something nice, we just need to say, "That's so good!" - and the relationship will be stronger.

Beware of the common mistakes that negate the most sincere gratitude. This is what happens when a simple "Thank you for the flowers" is followed by phrases like, "I hope you always do this from now on," or "Why didn't you think of it before!"

A truly mature and deep relationship occurs between people who don't depend on each other financially or emotionally.

They could have lived happily separately, but these two are so interesting to each other! Life has given them a chance to meet a man from whom they want nothing, but with whom life becomes fuller.

Let him just live next to them, stay as he is... And let him be as good as I am.