5 steps to regain intimacy

1. Restore the dialogue of trust

Is it enough to communicate, which has become an exchange of information about the children and the economy? After all, we want to be important to the partner, to see the interest in his eyes. If we seek to establish mutual trust, we can start by sharing this desire with our partner. "Tell him about it peacefully and respectfully, avoiding any recriminations," suggests family psychologist Inna Shifanova.

Stop looking at your partner with disappointment and accusing him of no longer conforming to the ideal image that we had at the beginning of the relationship - that's the first step to regaining intimacy. Let's look at him differently: as someone, we want to be happier with from this moment on, and try to take care of him the way we would want him to take care of us.

"If you start the conversation with affectionate treatment, a much better chance that it will go kindly," reminds Inna Shifanova. In addition, it is important to realize what kind of couple we dream to build. And then discuss it with your partner and think about how to achieve the goal. "Instead of making a list of everything your loved one doesn't do," the family psychologist continues, "it's helpful to ask him what we can do for him to make him feel loved. Perhaps this will encourage him to do the same.

Going "out" together gives partners a chance to see each other as independent, attractive people again

"Since some time I finally realized: my beloved is different from me, he looks at many things differently, so not always guess what I have not said aloud - admits 43-year-old Svetlana. - Now, when I want something, I just ask him for it. I tell him what's important to me, and ask about his desires. I feel that I can trust him again. And the fact that we are different is no longer annoying. On the contrary, it's interesting!"

2. Give each other time

With the arrival of children, a married couple becomes a parenting couple...and often gets lost in it. The husband and wife need to set aside time to be alone together. It's good for both the couple and the children, who should know that their parents have decided to live together for more than just taking care of them.

"It took me six months to talk my wife into going to visit, leaving the child with his grandmother," recalls 36-year-old Fedor. - And I, you could say, was lucky. Now we at least occasionally go out together. But we know other families who are as if divided: the wife stays at home, the husband goes out to his friends.

Some emotionally detach themselves from their partner, risking sending them off to seek the missing warmth of others. And the joint exit "in the world" gives the partners the opportunity to distract themselves from their worries and once again see each other as independent, attractive people. But psychoanalyst Fabienne Kremer suggests "make time to be alone at home. If we spend an hour together every night, without TV, without a cell phone and without children, we show each other that the relationship is important to us.

We can have a glass of wine together while cooking dinner, or go out for a walk with the dog. "Over time, you start to feel the need for moments like these because they really bring you closer," shares 37-year-old Daria.

If the relationship becomes too casual, the reason may be that both spouses or one of them is avoiding being face-to-face with their partner. What exactly are they afraid of? Getting bored? Finding that they don't meet the other's expectations or their own? These are questions to think about.

3. Continue courting

"At home she walks around in a tracksuit, and she only puts on beauty when we're going out," the 44-year-old Denis says with regret. - It seems to me, I am no longer important to her. Of course, it's a matter of a sense of proportion. Sometimes it's nice to relax at home. But there is a danger that at some point the relationship will lose its eroticism.
"Staying seductive is a way of saying to the other 'I want you to like me' and thereby giving him confidence," says psychotherapist Isabel Constant. In addition to grooming appearance, there are other signs of interest, more original than the duty kiss in the morning and evening. You can try to think of something to make it pleasant for the other to come home, to make him little surprises.

"Like it or not, 'love killers' exist!" - Convinced 34-year-old Catherine. Indeed, it's hard for us to remain mysterious when we know practically everything about each other, from signs of a bad mood to physiological details. The magnanimity of love would like to forgive all this. But desire is far less forgiving. And that's where, according to Isabel Constant, the game comes to the rescue.

Mutual admiration builds self-esteem and nourishes the desire to stay together

"We make dates for each other in bars and pretend that this is the first meeting," says 34-year-old Nikolai. - Every time I get to know my wife anew, I see her with different eyes. His wife Elena says she is still amazed by his beloved's compliments and the passion with which he wins her over again and again.

Mutual admiration builds self-esteem and nourishes the desire to stay together. Our efforts to bolster our partner's confidence in his beauty and personal worth remind him-and us-why he has become irreplaceable.

4. Putting the relationship first

A couple is not just a union of two people. In it, everyone discovers values that are important to them: companionship, intimacy, confidence in the future. When we begin to doubt our importance and our place in the world, imagining ourselves as part of a couple can strengthen us. "By creating rituals that show that we are excited about the relationship, we give our partner confidence, we remind him of the importance of our connection, and ourselves of the commitments we have made," notes Fabien Kremer.

But a shared intimate space needs to be protected. That is why we have to establish boundaries between our couple and the outside world. Confirmation of such boundaries is the respect with which we always talk about our partner with others, no matter what is going on in the relationship. Fabienne Kremer also encourages "affirming the connection with your partner in public and avoiding ambiguous behavior, that is, not dating an ex in his absence and not maintaining close friendships with members of the other sex."

Old-fashioned? Each couple adopts its own rules of conduct. The main thing is to spare the lover's sensitivity and not to excite his jealousy. Understand what offends him to be able to calm him down, and also be well aware of the reasons why we sometimes want to have a relationship outside the couple. After all, "when we make a commitment, we inevitably have to give something up. But this is the price we pay for making our union with the one we love really something delightful," the psychoanalyst concludes.

5.Supporting each other

Putting your partner first means, among other things, taking into account his difficulties, listening carefully to him, being able to come to the rescue, putting aside all the work. Of course, this is not easy. Our era encourages independence, and sometimes we habitually close ourselves off instead of opening up, asking our loved one for help and leaning on him or her.

And it is also not easy to recognize the seemingly simple fact that this closest person is different, his feelings, thoughts, intentions, needs are different from ours. Nevertheless, you must "accept dissimilarity partner, not wanting to change it," notes psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. Endure the fact that he is not always at his best, that he may be sick and weak.

"This implies," the psychoanalyst continues, "that we are able to accept our own weaknesses as well. This is what maturity is for. In addition, one should accept one's partner's past. For example, to understand his responsibility for children from another marriage and to act in a way that is compatible with the couple we are building. It's not about sacrificing ourselves for our partner or seeking to gain power over him or her by protecting him or her. But it's about being able to make concessions, hoping for reciprocity.